Oh snap. This is ridiculous. I havenapos;t posted in over two years. It was funny... Someone was talking about how they were looking back at their old live journals and laughing about how dumb they were. I can safely saw I feel equally as dumb.
Iapos;m in college now. Itapos;s really weird. I canapos;t say I love it but itapos;s starting to grow on me.
I just felt the need to vent. I, carly marie anonsen, am a co-dependent. Itapos;s so messed up really. Like tonight at college night they were talking about how as people we can just ignore all the crap in the world. And how we can become so self absorbed that even when we "serve" others we really just do it to fill a void we have. It was crazy because the way he worded it was exactly like I had worded it when i was talking to Becca the other night. I said something along the lines that I felt most loved and accepted when i felt like people needed me. Thatapos;s so busted That means that when I do something for someone else my goal is to feel appreciated. Thatapos;s so messed up. It makes me realize how ugly my heart is. My heart is in such a bad place right now and thereapos;s no one to blame but myself. And I know itapos;s cuz iapos;m not seeking the lord and iapos;m not putting myself in the position to stand up for myself. And this whole thing with Mike just keeps getting worse. I have serious control issues. And it may be a good thing that Mike is so uncontrollable because it forces me to realize that i can tell him to do something all i want and heapos;s still not going to do it. Itapos;s just frustrating because i canapos;t help but build expectations but the i canapos;t forget that the person Mike cares about the most is Mike. He may say differently but thatapos;s the way it is. The hardest part is that iapos;ve put myself in a position to be him personal listening device to his bitching. Itapos;s starting to wear on me. Because he whines about things he does to himself. Heapos;s broke and whines about not having cigs. Well dummy why did you buy cheesey bread last night? and iapos;ve decided that i will not pay for anything for him this weekend. I canapos;t afford it. Not finacially and not emotionally. I canapos;t let myself be his rescuer because i know he wonapos;t return the favor ever.
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